Tainted Love

I just want to be ok.
But I’m not. I’m not ok.
I’m not ok with missing you every second, of every minute, of every hour. How every day gets worse and worse.
I’m not ok with fighting back these tears just to lose the battle. Over and over again.

Ever since we met, I’ve known that you’re special. That the way we talk and laugh around each other is different than everybody else. That I will never meet anyone I can trust as much as I trust you. And I think most people search their whole lives to find what I’ve already found.

I’ve fallen for your laugh, which is utterly contagious. I’ve fallen for your smile, which makes me giddy for no reason at all. I’ve fallen for our late night talks, when 1:00 am arrives far too quickly. I’ve fallen for our jokes, which I’ll remember days later and burst into laughter. I’ve fallen for how you can make my day better, even if I wanted to cry a minute before. I’ve fallen for every second I get to spend with you, even if those seconds will always leave me wanting more.

I’m not ok with knowing that you once loved me just as much as I loved you.
But things simply didn’t work out.
I’m not ok with looking in the mirror wondering who I am. Because you took what little was left of me.
I’m not ok with having you constantly on my mind. Wondering if I’m on yours too.

When I’m with you, I act different. In a good way. I smile more and laugh more. I don’t have to pretend everything is ok when it’s really not. With you, I can drop the fake smile and put on a real one.
I don’t feel hurt and alone when I’m with you.
Instead, I feel safe and loved. You’re easy to talk to, and you listen me. I don’t have to worry about holding back with you.
I don’t feel self conscious. I don’t ever feel insecure or sad, you show me that you really do care, and you’re not just pretending. I really appreciate your company, because with you, I’m different.
With you. I’m happy.

I’m not ok with being shattered and broken on the ground.
Calling out for you but I know you won’t come to save me.
I’m not ok with drowning my sorrows every night. Hoping to one day see you again.
I’m not ok with still being in love with you. Wishing that you were in love with me too.
I’m not ok with still wanting you. Even after all this time.

I’m not perfect. I will annoy you, piss you off, say stupid things, then take it all back. But put that all aside, and you’ll never find a person who cares or loves you more than me.
I’m not ok with watching my pieces fall around me like snow. The ashes of a once passionate flame.
I’m not ok with you leaving. Reminding me of what its like to be alone.
I can feel myself starting to fall apart again.
And the truth is, I don’t know how to fix it.
I don’t know how to fix me.
You’ve always been the best at doing that. But you walked away. And I didn’t have to courage to ask you to stay. Maybe that’s just something I’ll always regret.

I’m not over you just yet, I cannot hide it. You’re not that easy to forget.

I might have erased your texts but I will never forget what you wrote. We might have stopped talking but I will never forget your voices. We might have stopped hugging, but I will never forget your smell. Anything we did, I will never forget.

I hope one day you will realize I did truly care for you. I promise you’re gonna miss me being there, putting up with you, refusing to give up in you. You’re gonna regret everything You’ve done to me, including all the damage you’ve caused.
And someday, you’ll turn back and I won’t be waiting for you any longer. I might have been worthless to you, but you’ll miss me, when I become priceless to another.

I know there are other people, but I don’t want anyone else. I want you. Even when you’re sad, even when you make mistake, even if we don’t agree at times. I still just want you. Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I won’t love you.

Even if we can’t be together in the end, I’m glad that you were a part of my life.

But, I want you to be happy. And if it’s not with me that’s fine, I always try. Because you’re the only person I have loved enough to put before my self.
Seeing you happy, makes me happy, and that’s what love is, right?

I’m not ok, dear. Now. But I know, someday I’ll be ok.

***

Nb : Tainted Love (n.) is love you have for a person that is so deep and feels like it should last forever, but it can't for some complicated, unfair reason.